Aha!
It’s been a while, I know. I’ve been busy at work (and will be for a while – budgets and financial year end), but also forcing myself to do the things I don’t want to do. Like go to bed at 8 pm, getting up at 5 am for gym, eating well and fighting the urges to slip back into old patterns. So, I figured that if I didn’t really feel like blogging, I’d give myself a pass.
But this morning I had a light bulb moment (in the shower, as usual – all my best ideas and insights occur in the shower) and I knew I had to sort through it by writing about it.
As much as I love my job – the company and the work – I haven’t been happy for a while. The reason for my discontent is my salary, which is not market-related and is significantly lower than that of my predecessor. I really struggle to make ends meet and that shouldn’t be the case at my level. As a result, I feel very resentful.
But mostly I feel exploited and disrespected. I feel that I’m being treated like a second-class citizen. I’m being talked down to and disregarded.
So, this morning as I was ruminating on this in my shower – as I do – I realized that even though I’m back on the job market, I’m almost too scared to start all over again at another company. Who’s to say that it won’t just be more of the same? It’s brutal out there, you know. Remember my previous job? The one that nearly killed me? Talk about abuse, exploitation and disrespect! I still sometimes wake up in a cold sweat following a dream about that place.
Then it hit me. What if this is my pattern? What if I am inviting this kind of treatment? Inadvertently, of course.
Okay, the people at my previous job were really evil and insane, but at my current job they’re – for the most – good and normal people. There are no agendas, apart from saving money in a very tight economy, of course.
It’s me.
We teach people how to treat us. How? Mostly by how we treat ourselves.
I can see how the perception would be that I don’t treat myself very well. That I don’t respect myself.
Why? Because I am huge. I’m obviously uncomfortable and I huff and puff from the slightest physical exertion. I’m not in uniform, because they’re not available in my size (I always try to dress nicely though).
I probably gained about 50 pounds between leaving the company in 2007 and rejoining it in 2011. I think I gained another 15-20 pounds since I’ve been back.
I’m not saying I’m being treated unfairly because I’m fat. It’s not as simple or blatant as that. It’s the old law of attraction at work. How I treat myself determines how others treat me. Even my family, I suppose. Craig and my few close friends are the exception.
The sad truth is that I’ve been treating myself much more nicely and respectfully lately, but it’s not evident to outsiders yet. The physical changes may take a while to show, although there are definitely changes in demeanor and energy levels already. I just feel more alive.
This insight (theory?) makes me wonder if I shouldn’t delay looking for another job until there would be no doubt that I’m treating myself with the utmost care and respect. It’s so much easier building on a favorable initial impression than trying to change a perception, even if it’s no longer valid. Please note, that I didn’t say I should look for another job when I’m thin/lean/fit/whatever. This is not a body image issue. What I’m saying is that I can command respect only when I can be perceived as respectful and caring towards myself, irrespective of my size.
Mmm, I’m going to have to think really carefully about changing jobs right now… Stay on these roads, so to speak.
I was discussing this with a friend a few minutes ago, and she felt that I was being rather harsh with myself. I don’t think so. I think I’ve hit on something here… The truth can be uncomfortable sometimes, but I don’t feel discomfited by this insight. In fact, I feel relieved. Liberated, even. Which once again proves that the truth can actually set you free.
I support you in treating yourself with respect and think it will flow over to your professional life as well as personal. Trust your instincts and follow your own guidance on the timing. You inspire me!
Kat recently posted..Back from Chicago
Hanlie, ek stem volmondig met jou saam op hierdie ene. Ek weet waarvan jy praat. Hou aan, hou uit en kyk wat gebeur. Almal by jou werk moet tog weet wat in jou steek, en teen hierdie tyd het jy al ‘n major verskil gemaak. CLAIM IT!!!
Hanlie, I am exactly where you are right now concerning my job (even your descritption of how you are treated is my situation, to a T) and have also come to the same conclusion as you. Of course, if I happen to be in the right situation and all universe aligns, I will take another offer, no question. Now, to go and find those situations….. All the best to you and I know things will work out; we are at the point of no return now!!
Thank you for sharing, everything.
How long until you hit the one year mark? Isn’t that the rule of thumb for a resume?
And if this has significant meaning for you, then I think you are probably on to something.
vickie recently posted..The Sunday Syndrome
I had a very similar ah-ha moment at one point…and having it changed a lot of things for me. It had to do with my previous career in the plastics industry trade press, totally lacking confidence, being defensive and walking around with a black cloud over my head…and that’s how I was treated…because it’s how I was treating myself. I eventually found myself out of the industry completely and it certainly was a gift although it didn’t seem like it at the time.
KCLAnderson (Karen) recently posted..PRACTICING: Free Writing
My question is, how do you intend to show others that you respect yourself? What does that look like? Perhaps losing weight is part of it, but there is also self-maintenance (hair, clothing, etc) and many other aspects of self-care. How do you show that to someone who doesn’t know you, who perhaps only sees you for the length of an interview?
I was surprised at the difference in how some people in the office treated me after I’d lost weight. I’ve never been sure whether it was their own shallowness or a change in the way I approached them. Possibly a bit of both?
Cammy@TippyToeDiet recently posted..Popping Right Along
@Cammy@TippyToeDiet: My sister was obese & lost weight. She had the same experience at work: lost weight & co-workers were friendlier to her.
Could you go to them with standard market salary comparisons to try to get a raise, or are you set on leaving that environment? Either way, best of luck.
Lately I’ve been treating myself a lot better, caring about how I look and enjoying things like picking out a necklace or a bracelet to go along with things. Basically, I’ve been giving a damn. And while no one has said anything, I can tell in the way they look at me that they know something is up but can’t pinpoint it yet.
So keep treating yourself well. You can teach people to treat you better. It just might take a while sometimes.
Jaime recently posted..Book Review: Change Your Brain Change Your Body by Dr. Daniel Amen
Well Hanlie, you must have something of a decision in your mind since you posted without password protection.
Truth be told, you may not be being all you can be now at work if you feel like crap about yourself. And sometimes (like with the salary), those things MAY be partly what you give off esteem wise, but also because you did not know (or bother to know) your worth. Women in general do not fight well for their worth as far as salaries go. It does not hurt to look. Meantime you change your thoughts/focus about the current job. One, it will make going to work and functioning well easier. Two, when you interview for another job, feeling good about your current accomplishments will shine thru.
I have brainstorms when I scrub too. And when I swim.
munchberry recently posted..Gobble Gobble Gobble!
I agree…for some there must come a time when it is not about the other people…where they need to look within. Great self-realization.
Kimberley recently posted..Atkins Day 70
I wish you would write more… you & your honesty have grabbed my attention!! You wow & humble me!!
I think you should look for a job. Make the decision to treat yourself nothing short of honorable everyday…you really deserve to be treated with respect by you & everyone around you!
okay, can you put a short post up that says – been to the gym X/X days and eating on plan, and getting to bed on time, so I am not wondering about you? And from using your blog as historical record for yourself, that would be helpful too.
vickie recently posted..saved comments: self esteem/self confidence issues in what works for us, follow up on the dreadful pj post