Hi! Remember me? Just zooming by to say “hi” and update you on what’s happening in my life, but more importantly, in my head.
I had a more reasonable week work-wise – at least when it comes to the hours worked. I won’t comment on the happenings at work… You wouldn’t believe half of it anyway, so suffice it to say that it’s an interesting place with interesting people and interesting challenges. I come home every day exhausted, with my mind racing.
I’m still reading Women, Food and God. Actually, that’s a lie – I’m still avoiding reading the rest of Women, Food and God. To say that this book is making me uncomfortable would be an understatement. The truth is that it scares the living daylights out of me. If you’ve read it, you will understand why.
Geneen Roth is trying to get me to take my eye off the symptom – my weight – and start focusing on what is really going on. As much as weight loss is hard, with almost no guarantee of lasting success, it is still easier than what she proposes – changing the way I deal with just about everything in life. This is not about flipping a switch – it’s going to be hard work and I’m scared, which of course triggers my escape response (just call me Hanlie Houdini, why dontcha?). I know that correcting this behavior is not going to happen overnight.
I’ve spent many hours over the last 15 years wondering what it is about my weight that makes me so reluctant to lose it - protection? cushioning the blows of life? making me unattractive? – and I’ve often questioned my own sanity. Because rationally I really, really, really do NOT want to be fat.
WFG has made me realize that it’s not the weight I was clinging to, but the behaviors that led to the weight gain. While I have been willing to let go of the weight, I have not been willing to experience the slings and arrows of daily life, opting instead to escape into obsessive behavior that involved food, cigarettes, playing games on my iPod, searching for the “perfect” blog template, crime novels, etc. Mostly food though.
There is of course nothing wrong with those endeavors (apart from possibly smoking – but remember that’s not a moral issue), but when they are used as a means of escape, they are being abused. I get that, and it was interesting for me to realize that I’ve added another avenue of escape – work. I have been losing myself in it completely. Literally. Yes, I have lots to do and yes, a lot is expected of me, but my first priority should always be to look after myself – physically and emotionally. Then comes my husband and my home and then only my work.
So, I can finally acknowledge that it’s not about the weight. Yet, at the same time, something has happened that is making it about the weight.
My chair broke.
I remember thinking the first time I sat in my chair at work that this very sleek, but rather flimsy leather chair was not going to make it. I just hoped that it would last a while, but after only two weeks, ball-bearings started rolling out and the chair became very unstable. I mentioned it to our maintenance department, who then “fixed” it, except the first time I sat in it, it was even more unstable and while trying to keep from falling, I hurt my right knee.
For the last few weeks I have been in pain on and off. The worst part is that in favoring the knee, I seem to have hurt my right hip. I now have visions of needing a knee or hip replacement and I am only 41! There are times when I can barely get up or bend down and even sitting down can be excruciating.
If I don’t lose weight, I may end up in a wheelchair.
I may have been able to escape emotional discomfort for years and years, but I’m afraid there may be no escaping the physical consequences.
I think it’s time to stay put. Or as we say in dog training: Sit! Stay!
the fat and the food are ‘just’ the parts we can see
and yes, we blame them for quite a bit and think loosing them will ‘fix’.
letting go of whatever they represent to us is very hard and scary.
those that have a few pounds to loose (like your sister) do not go through much of this. that is why they can just adjust their eating a little and the weight flies off. I think for them, it really is just a bit of fat and too much of the wrong food. But it is not EMOTIONAL. And for most of us, as I said, the food and the fat are just the parts that can be seen.
I missed the part about the chair totally. If I had, I would have said – even if you have to buy your own – do it immediately.
I deal with these types of things daily – all the way down to goal where I am – because my lower back has special needs.
I have two very good lumbar support pillows. one lives in my car trunk and one in my husbands. If I get in somewhere with poor quality chairs, we go get them out of the car.
there are many places where someone has to hold my hand because I will not take the chance of falling.
My favorite one is college tour with my oldest 3 years ago. Icy. Tour guide (junior in college) and my son (senior in high school) each held one of my hands every single time we went past an icy spot or down any stairs of any kind. And that was a lot of times.
there are many places I can’t BE due to my asthma.
the chair is the same thing. It is taking care of yourself.
I too have a long history of moving from one busy work (that is what I call it) thing to another, to avoid dealing with myself. Being alone with oneself is hard for most of us.
I identified very much with everything that you wrote. And I don’t know if that is a comfort to you or not. But I still deal with many of the same issues (all the time). And that is part of the reason that I went back to my therapist when I hit my final goal. Many of these issues resurfaced. with extra weight on me (my first goal, which I held for two years in maintenance) they were sort of stable. then when I lost my last 20lbs, they resurfaced again. And that was a good thing. I have to DEAL. And yes, much of the time, it sucks. But in the end, it is a very good thing. And yes, I am doing better all the time, even when it is very hard.
I think of you every day and wish you well.
vickie recently posted..Taking care of ourselves- our own problems is kindest thing to do for our kids – history just repeats itself if positive- healing action is not taken
Hanlie, I can totally relate to falling into other forms of obsessive behavior…after the 55 pounds came off, there was shopping, wine, and the computer…and dontcha know, half the weight came back! As you know, the hormone balancing has been a key for me, but also finding out what I was really hungry for…and that was not only writing, but on a much deeper level: being heard! It also involves finding out what I am not…and not signing up for other people’s goals and dreams (I finally realized I was doing this in regards to exercise and fitness). So, I’ll ask you: what are you REALLY hungry for?
KCLAnderson (Karen) recently posted..Whatever “Works”…Right
Sometimes it’s a physical thing that we need to make us really look at the emotional aspect. And boy is it tough to really sit down and EXAMINE our emotions! Somehow that is much more challenging than to examine our physical selves. But we can do it.
Sagan recently posted..The 100-Mile Diet
Hi Hanlie
This is a really moving and deep post. I think you are going deeper and deeper into your own personal rabbit hole – and that is a good thing.
When reflecting on what you wrote above, I thought of a profound comment a reader left me the other day on the site about fat and the inner connection. I will share it here with you… some may apply, some may not, but I think it is worth to share:
“Fat is an insulator….it protects people from things they do not understand or fear. They are guarded. Their ego is inflated. Their feelings are ready to burst. So much has gone unprocessed. They then fear unprocessed foods. They then crave that which is processed, aligning themselves with a processed dream installed from an outside source. They align themselves with thoughts and ideas that do not allow them to examine or face or merge with soulful sensations. Therefore, there is a backlog of unfinished business. Dreams have not come true.
Therefore, they bury their own dreams beneath this insulation. But when their patterns shall burst some time in the future, so will the fat that so wants to be chewed upon and finally digested, so it and what it represents can return to where it spawned from.”
I love the journey you are taking Hanlie – the journey of self-discovery may seem scary at times, but it is our ticket to freedom, inner peace and happiness like we never thought possible.
My thoughts are with you to continue on!
Evita recently posted..Review- Nutiva Organic Cold Pressed Hemp Oil
Hanlie – you are going to miss the whole month of September and join the ranks of the ‘lost bloggers’. . .how are you doing?
vickie recently posted..bump on neck-arm pit mole- it might be oddest story I have told yet
I suppose weight gain is only a symptom of something deeper. But we all have difficulties.
Joseph Condron recently posted..Harry Houdini- The First Celebrity
I really can’t comprehend those who think that they could shed pounds with diets & pills. Come on , man, come on!!! Its not brain surgery now, is it? Intake less calories than you burn and you will probably lose weight – yes, its that simple!!!