Hi!  Remember me?   Just zooming by to say “hi” and update you on what’s happening in my life, but more importantly, in my head.

I had a more reasonable week work-wise – at least when it comes to the hours worked.  I won’t comment on the happenings at work…  You wouldn’t believe half of it anyway, so suffice it to say that it’s an interesting place with interesting people and interesting challenges.  I come home every day exhausted, with my mind racing.

I’m still reading Women, Food and God.  Actually, that’s a lie – I’m still avoiding reading the rest of Women, Food and God.  To say that this book is making me uncomfortable would be an understatement.  The truth is that it scares the living daylights out of me.  If you’ve read it, you will understand why.

Geneen Roth is trying to get me to take my eye off the symptom – my weight – and start focusing on what is really going on.  As much as weight loss is hard, with almost no guarantee of lasting success, it is still easier than what she proposes – changing the way I deal with just about everything in life.  This is not about flipping a switch – it’s going to be hard work and I’m scared, which of course triggers my escape response (just call me Hanlie Houdini, why dontcha?).  I know that correcting this behavior is not going to happen overnight.

I’ve spent many hours over the last 15 years wondering what it is about my weight that makes me so reluctant to lose it -  protection?  cushioning the blows of life?  making me unattractive? – and I’ve often questioned my own sanity.  Because rationally I really, really, really do NOT want to be fat.

WFG has made me realize that it’s not the weight I was clinging to, but the behaviors that led to the weight gain.  While I have been willing to let go of the weight, I have not been willing to experience the slings and arrows of daily life, opting instead to escape into obsessive behavior that involved food, cigarettes, playing games on my iPod, searching for the “perfect” blog template, crime novels, etc.  Mostly food though.

There is of course nothing wrong with those endeavors (apart from possibly smoking – but remember that’s  not a moral issue), but when they are used as a means of escape, they are being abused.  I get that, and it was interesting for me to realize that I’ve added another avenue of escape – work.  I have been losing myself in it completely.  Literally.   Yes, I have lots to do and yes, a lot is expected of me, but my first priority should always be to look after myself – physically and emotionally.  Then comes my husband and my home and then only my work.

So, I can finally acknowledge that it’s not about the weight.  Yet, at the same time, something has happened that is making it about the weight.

My chair broke.

I remember thinking the first time I sat in my chair at work that this very sleek, but rather flimsy leather chair was not going to make it.  I just hoped that it would last a while, but after only two weeks, ball-bearings started rolling out and the chair became very unstable.  I mentioned it to our maintenance department, who then “fixed” it, except the first time I sat in it, it was even more unstable and while trying to keep from falling, I hurt my right knee.

For the last few weeks I have been in pain on and off.  The worst part is that in favoring the knee, I seem to have hurt my right hip.  I now have visions of needing a knee or hip replacement and I am only 41!  There are times when I can barely get up or bend down and even sitting down can be excruciating.

If I don’t lose weight, I may end up in a wheelchair.

I may have been able to escape emotional discomfort for years and years, but I’m afraid there may be no escaping the physical consequences.

I think it’s time to stay put. Or as we say in dog training: Sit! Stay!

I think I’ve mentioned that my sister recently lost about 25 pounds on Weigh Less.  She wasn’t fat; just a little soft around the edges.  These days I barely recognize her.

But as you can imagine, the pressure on me has increased exponentially.  If she can do it, while feeding a family, then why can’t I?  Why have I been fat for 15 years?  What is wrong with me?

The consensus seems to be that I should (a) get some willpower and (b) join Weigh Less.  Because I clearly have  (a)  no willpower and (b) no clue.

Right.

To be honest, I did look up the Weigh Less groups in my area.  The voices of authority have after all spoken.  My sister is undoubtedly thin (and has won prizes in WL Woman of the Year competition).

Weigh Less is very similar to Weight Watchers.  You weigh your food and go to a group meeting every week where you get weighed and motivated by a successful loser.  They’re big over here.  You can make your food as healthy or unhealthy as you want – they have a whole range of over-priced low-calorie processed crap that you buy, or you can go the whole foods way.

There’s just not a group in my area that’s going to work for me in terms of time.  They’re all at 5pm or 5:30pm.  For me, it’s a good day if I get to leave work by 5:30.   Until I get truly up to date with my work I can’t commit to anything (at least with the dog training classes, Craig can go without me if needs be, but he can’t go and weigh in for me!).  Even then I would have to find a class at 6pm or later.

But that is not my biggest concern about joining Weigh Less, or Weight Watchers, or whatever.  These organizations teach you how to eat for weight loss, but I already know how to do that.  In spades!  It’s not even about willpower.  I have lots of willpower.

My problem is that there is an emotional aspect to my weight that will cause me to sabotage myself and all my efforts until I sort it out.  I’ve done therapy and read hundreds of self-help books, and the answer is 42 I’ve come a long way, but there are still some deeply buried issues.

I wrote the above part of this post a week ago, but since then a lot has happened…

First of all, thank you for the wonderful, supportive and uplifting comments on my previous post.  There are times when you really are the wind beneath my wings.

Secondly, I worked very long hours this past week and made it through.  Yes, I’m a bit banged up, because I certainly haven’t been taking proper care of myself, but I’m going to get lots of rest today.  We will eat out and spend the rest of the day lazing around.  And this coming week I might even take a day off – they owe me about 5 days off for overtime worked.

I got my copy of Women, Food and God last Sunday.  I couldn’t wait to start reading.  I read about 30 pages that night, crying most of the way through, and then didn’t have a chance to read again until yesterday afternoon, when I started at the beginning again.  My head is hurting from all the light-bulbs going off inside!

There is no question about joining Weigh Less now.

This is huge!  I will write about my thoughts, feelings and insights about this remarkable book in the near future.

I also ate something so amazing this week that it’s challenged most of my beliefs about food.  Read all about it here.

Then there’s the dog training…  I think in the long run this will benefit me as much as the dog!

So, while I may be really, really tired and achy, I am also filled with a sense of anticipation and hope.

I can still change the script of my life.